Titus Andronicus: One For The Kids!!
Every now and again on the news we have the usual moral minority claiming that explicit violence on the TV and in films is having a corrupting influence on the young of today. We hear an upper-class lady telling the kids to read the classics: Marlowe, Dickens, Shakespeare... Now Shakespeare is a funny old topic, loved by the literary public, thought by the majority to be a sad old gay fart with faeces for brains.

But I feel if the literary moral minority want the kids to watch a classic play then the play that should be chosen is the Shakespeare classic Titus Andronicus. Believe me this play is crazy, it makes most horror movies look tame. Instead of going through the play act by act I think I should just give you all a list of events from Titus Andronicus and I'll let you decide what you feel about it. I warn you this is not for the faint hearted...

Titus sacrifices a guy called Alarbus to appease some ghosts,
Titus's daughter is abducted by Bassianus,
Titus kills one of his sons,
Tamora's sons stab Bassianus, killing him,
Tamora's sons discuss raping Lavina on top of Bassianus's body,
They decide against this and throw Bassianus's body into a ditch instead,
Tamora's sons rape Lavina, cut off her tongue and her hands,
Titus cuts off his hand and sends it to Saturninus,
Two of Titus's sons lose their heads,
Lavina realises she can still write by holding a staff in her mouth, she writes the names of the rapists in the dirt,
Aaron murders a nurse,
Titus gets an innocent clown hung,
Tamora's two sons are murdered,
And chopped up to make pies,
Tamora eats the people pies,
Titus kills Lavina to put her out of her misery,
Saturninus kills Titus,
Lucius kills Saturninus,
Aaron buried up to the neck and left to starve,
Tamora's body is thrown out for beasts and carrion birds to eat.

GRAND TOTAL
1 human sacrifice, 9 murders, 4 executions, 2 rapes, 4 amputations, 1 act of treason and 1 birth out of wedlock.

Yes, very nice. Make's Pulp Fiction look pretty tame!

Extracts from Naughty Shakespeare by Michael Macrone ISBN 0-09-181674-2




Article written by Steve G